I still remember the day when I first saw her face. Actin’ indiscreet, innocent, and wild. I think I remember, how it all started…!
B-b-b but something told me to think about this for a moment, “Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?”
And something ask me again, “Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?”
What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?
You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?
So it’s not really you I care about, but rather using you to make me feel good about myself. Maybe I’m always trying to save you, or fix your problems, or provide for you, or impress you in some way. Maybe I’m using you for sex or money, or to impress my friends. Maybe you are using me for sex (and that makes me feel good because for once I feel wanted and seen).
Draw it up however you’d like, but at the end of the day, it’s all the same. These are relationships built on conditions. They are built on: “I will love you only if you make me feel good about myself; you will love me only if I make you feel good about yourself”.
These conditional relationships can get really fucked up on an emotional level. I’ll-do-this-for-you-if-you-do-this-for-me relationships.
It hurts to admit, I know.
This is really fucking hard. But relationships are difficult by nature because people are difficult by nature. If life was just all fun and fellatio, then nothing good would ever get done. And no one would ever grow.
And love is a wonderful experience, of course. It’s one of the greatest experiences life has to offer. And it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy.
But like any other experience, it can be healthy or unhealthy. Like any other experience, it cannot be allowed to define us, our identities, or our life purpose. We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.
Maybe… all you need is love1, but I need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But for me, love is not enough2.
So, let’s say goodbye…
1) In 1967, John Lennon from The Beatles wrote a song called, “All You Need is Love”. He also beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day.
2) In 2005, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails wrote a song called “Love is Not Enough”. Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking stage performances and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got clean from all drugs and alcohol, married one woman, had two children with her, and then cancelled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father.